How sensitive and vulnerable

Before yesterday, I never would have really gotten just how sensitive I am. I've known for while now, years in fact, that I am quite sensitive. More so than many men I know, even some women, but never to the extent that I now know. This seems to make me extremely vulnerable. An attribute I also played down significantly. I don't mean vulnerable in the weakness category, but in a way that honors all of my wounds. Not to be ashamed of, but to simply be clear about. As in the battlefield that is my day to day life, I need to be very aware of my "achilles heal(s)" as they were. Areas of my "personality" and history that are more susceptible to pain from external triggers, real or perceived. Again, none of this is a bad thing, but something to know, deeply, so as to allow myself the necessary space to process my existing pain, without creating more than is necessary in that process. So, I say again, I never knew, before now, just how sensitive and vulnerable I was. I certainly haven't consciously allowed myself to really "know" all of the areas and ways that I am. Even as I type this, I cannot say without a doubt that I could rattle off all of the areas in a systematic linear fashion, but I still have a very sharp awareness about myself that seem deeply in touch with all of them. Precisely acutely aware. My pain is deep and large and is needing strongly to come out. It is what I want...to process that pain, so as to get through it to the other side, to fully express it so as to not operate from within it. I realize now how much is there and the need for continual ongoing "pain flushing" sessions. Wherever they may occur and however they may look. I feared going into public. I feared seeing women again, knowing what I do with that visual stimuli. I feared coming in contact with them ever again. So much so that I began to believe and feel in a very real way that I was losing my opportunity to live in that way again. Some life restricted forced agoraphobe. Me, the loving, open, free spirit that loves everyone equally, loves connecting with others deeply and just wants to love and be loved. Me, to be removed from living a life in public. Well, it would be tragic. I refused to live that way this morning. I felt compelled, seemingly at at every turn, to act out courageously, even being deeply afraid, to act anyway. To go into public and live. I met two new people this morning in very random uncomfortable public settings and took a risk to meet them, to tell them about me and what I am doing and what I want to do for them, with them. It scared the crap out of me. And I cried, and I called my therapist and I cried some more. I went home and I told my wife, and I cried some more. It seems there is no end to my tears. My pain. I knew it was deep. I knew it would be this way. But, the one thing I wasn't sure of before I took those actions this morning, was that I am going to be okay. I am going to make it and I am going to take care of myself all along the way. No matter what. I may need to cry often to get through it, but whatever it takes. I will make it. That level of hope in the context of all of this pain, and fear associated with pushing through it, was quite and is quite remarkable. So what does all this mean about me. Well, that is the good news. I am a highly sensitive powerful man, one who has been hurt, injured in the past and over time with some very deep wounds, but one that is beautiful and capable of anything I want. And in many ways is already getting exactly what he wants. What I have access to now with regards to caring for myself, is huge. I know a level of care and love for myself that I have never before now fully experienced, but because of those previous experiences, can fully aprpeciate it now. Although it is a bit uncomfortable, being new, it is welcomed with a grateful heart. I'll be okay.