How sensitive and vulnerable

Before yesterday, I never would have really gotten just how sensitive I am. I've known for while now, years in fact, that I am quite sensitive. More so than many men I know, even some women, but never to the extent that I now know. This seems to make me extremely vulnerable. An attribute I also played down significantly. I don't mean vulnerable in the weakness category, but in a way that honors all of my wounds. Not to be ashamed of, but to simply be clear about. As in the battlefield that is my day to day life, I need to be very aware of my "achilles heal(s)" as they were. Areas of my "personality" and history that are more susceptible to pain from external triggers, real or perceived. Again, none of this is a bad thing, but something to know, deeply, so as to allow myself the necessary space to process my existing pain, without creating more than is necessary in that process. So, I say again, I never knew, before now, just how sensitive and vulnerable I was. I certainly haven't consciously allowed myself to really "know" all of the areas and ways that I am. Even as I type this, I cannot say without a doubt that I could rattle off all of the areas in a systematic linear fashion, but I still have a very sharp awareness about myself that seem deeply in touch with all of them. Precisely acutely aware. My pain is deep and large and is needing strongly to come out. It is what I want...to process that pain, so as to get through it to the other side, to fully express it so as to not operate from within it. I realize now how much is there and the need for continual ongoing "pain flushing" sessions. Wherever they may occur and however they may look. I feared going into public. I feared seeing women again, knowing what I do with that visual stimuli. I feared coming in contact with them ever again. So much so that I began to believe and feel in a very real way that I was losing my opportunity to live in that way again. Some life restricted forced agoraphobe. Me, the loving, open, free spirit that loves everyone equally, loves connecting with others deeply and just wants to love and be loved. Me, to be removed from living a life in public. Well, it would be tragic. I refused to live that way this morning. I felt compelled, seemingly at at every turn, to act out courageously, even being deeply afraid, to act anyway. To go into public and live. I met two new people this morning in very random uncomfortable public settings and took a risk to meet them, to tell them about me and what I am doing and what I want to do for them, with them. It scared the crap out of me. And I cried, and I called my therapist and I cried some more. I went home and I told my wife, and I cried some more. It seems there is no end to my tears. My pain. I knew it was deep. I knew it would be this way. But, the one thing I wasn't sure of before I took those actions this morning, was that I am going to be okay. I am going to make it and I am going to take care of myself all along the way. No matter what. I may need to cry often to get through it, but whatever it takes. I will make it. That level of hope in the context of all of this pain, and fear associated with pushing through it, was quite and is quite remarkable. So what does all this mean about me. Well, that is the good news. I am a highly sensitive powerful man, one who has been hurt, injured in the past and over time with some very deep wounds, but one that is beautiful and capable of anything I want. And in many ways is already getting exactly what he wants. What I have access to now with regards to caring for myself, is huge. I know a level of care and love for myself that I have never before now fully experienced, but because of those previous experiences, can fully aprpeciate it now. Although it is a bit uncomfortable, being new, it is welcomed with a grateful heart. I'll be okay.

How do I continue to get healed, whilst hanging out with the unhealed?

This is something that I have really been pondering lately, especially since my journey to heal my life has brought me to some intense breakthroughs and insights within the last week. One of these is just this; How do I hang out with people in my life who are unhealed, or not opting into an intentional accountable life. Specifically, how do I do it without leaving my path, which is worth my life, but then also not make them wrong, not put them through an unrequested therapy session, or worse, free their mind before it is time. This is huge considering there are some very important relationships in my life that are not expendable. Such as family and another common area like work. As I ponder this, let me first say that I have tried the others to no avail. I have been falling off the wagon of my life for years, in the range of high 20s, being 33 now, and that most certainly has not made me happy or satisfied. This is what I consider the default choice, since being habitual means reacting and acting out, and since this was the way I was taught, this is what happens when I do nothing. As I said, this does not work for me as a long term way of being. The next option I tried was making others wrong or different. In this way I, usually passively, assert that I am different than they are in this way or that, not even better than in all cases, alot of the times I might have made myself "lesser" by a particular standard, especially if this was the safer or more comfortable path for me. Martyrdom falls into this category. This gives the illusion of satisfaction, but only for a short time as it is an incomplete, typically inauthentic, and almost always very thin veil. The next option, is a very familiar method, and the one I most identify with as where I am at right now, but on the way out of. It is one where I readily and easily make myself the same as the person, immediately identifying the specific ways that I am that or how I act that way, but in a very raw, messy "therapy session" type dialogue. I make the other person part of my process of working through this topic with me, exposing all of the guts and gears of myself. It is usually fairly complete and accountable, to the most extreme of over complete (TMI type stuff) and excitedly, almost manic accountability. Now, this method is a very delicate one that I have now realized is reserved for very specific relationships that either require this or with those select few who are healed enough to either hear all of it or at least to intentionally request the brakes be put on and that they not be a part of this. The final option, is one of utter rudeness, disregard, and almost mean-spirited. In an attempt to protect myself from both falling off of my journey, but also from doing my actual real work on myself, I remove layers of blockage for the other person without the request having been made too. I expose truths, pop bubbles, dismantle beliefs, all my truths, bubbles and beliefs, mind you, but in the presence of this person, knowing full well that they will be impacted. And, actually, if I am willing to really tell on myself, is the root of the attachment that I have, for them to get something about themselves, about how they are hurting me, disrespecting me, or dishonoring me in some way, so as to have them stop it so that I can hang out with them and not be uncomfortable. All a very slick way to avoid just saying the actual truth: "So and So, you hurt my feelings." Now all of these options so far are not happy, fulfilling options, and almost invariably alienate the other, less healed person, in some way, either minor (me going off track), to moderate (me making them wrong/different), to the extremes (therapy session or mind freeing). This brings me to the final option, one by process of elimination should be the happier, more fulfilling option, whereby I leave the other person alone in their chosen path, being willing to really be quiet and listen to my own guidance and speak what is true for me at any given moment. To not need them to do anything different, but in fact to realize that their behavior and how I am processing it, at every turn, is a curriculum of advanced "loving in the most difficult places" for my training. In this place, I allow the person all of the space to be, do say anything they need, honor myself fully and stir towards all that serves me, and also speak less and use the least amount of words, which I find to be a much more powerful and effective way to communicate with others. Now, all I have to do is keep practicing it every day.

Power, energy and jealousy

For me, jealousy seems to come up often, but in a new way. I know that I have power, which is energy, when I am in Integrity with my Self. This power fills me up, fuels me, and reminds me of who I am. When I am in my habitual or empty ego self, looking for me "out there" instead of "in here", I am quickly drained of this power and its energy. This sets me up for an interesting competition with others. This occurs often in my chosen community of humans living intentional lives. There is always at least one person who will look like I want to look or feel like I want to feel, and suddenly, if I am not rigorously diligent in my discipline about who I am, I find myself jealous. This already means that I am not being for my Self the way that I want, need or can be. This is where it gets precarious. What becomes the most compelling topic for me in this place, is to explain to them, in no simple or concise terms, how much we are the same and how I know exactly how they feel right at that moment etc etc etc. If I choose to move forward with this plan, then I will most certainly take their power, in less, they are healed enough and or present enough to disallow this, which does not happen often. So, in order to keep myself from this awful setup, I continue to check my intentions when dealing with others.

Integrity and addictive tendencies

I have recently discovered something very compelling about my addictive tendencies and with me being in Integrity. Addictive tendencies, for me so far, have been sex addiction (internet and magazines, and masturbation). They are attempts by me to feel loved and complete.This feeling of love that is missing is my love, for myself. That completeess that I am searching for, is a missing piece of my Self. Somewhere along the line, usually within the last 12-24 hours before I attempt to act out, I dishonored a part of me. This can look like many different things, but the feeling is that of not speaking for myself, not choosing for myself, or not owning something specific about me.I begin, at that point, to start relying on my ego, or child self for my survival. And boy does it feel like survival. In that place, I do not feel filled up, nothing works quite right, everything seems to be my fault, or at least my problem, and I most certainly feel desperate and on the sheer edge. It is here that the act of addictive behavior is an "of course"! My only choice, other than continue acting from this place, is to name what is so for me. To be completely honest with myself as to what is going on for me, or at least that things are not working and I need to take a moment to reset. I realize that I am acting out of fear, pain or anger and begin reviewing my recent past transactions. If I am rigorous in that review, then name the place where I was out of integrity, then BOOM!, I am already on my way back into my Self. Empowered! At some point quickly, I will need to discharge the pain associated with the moment I stepped out of integrity, then when I feel right (physiologically, usually my belly), then I can set a new intention to correct the previous moment that "caused" me to choose other than my Self. Once I have completed this "relationship cleanup", being sure to do it for me, with full ownership of both, how I was being at that moment, and also how I helped set up to be treated that way, all the while still having concern for the other person in the front of my mind and no attachment as to how they receive or perceive my message, then, and only then, can I consider this "case" closed and move on. Finally, the overall result that I have concluded is that I cannot act out in my addictive tendencies when I am in Integrity with my Self.

Why reach out to others?

I call and reach out to others for me. Those who are really valuable to me are those who know that I call for me and are willing to simply listen and allow for my space to talk about what is going on with me. They are careful to not provide answers or to go off in lengthy descriptive stories about how they are the same. They are sure to pay close attention to what is going on with me and even ask what I need from them, if anything. Those who are, the rare few, able to not only just listen, but to actually ask more of me through wise present moment questions are the ones who are modelling for me what I strive to be for myself more often. They follow their own inner guidance and give of themselves that which they are guided to and not what they want to.

Others call me for them. They reach out to me to be seen and heard in the midst of their stuff (pain, fear, anger or all three). They hope for a moment with another human being that allows them that space where they can own their power and sit with who they are. They do not call to hear my stuff, how I am just like them or in exactly what ways that is so. In fact, the main, if not soul, reason they call me is because they already know that I am just like them, which ensures that they feel safe with me in this delicate place. We got to this place by my willingness to tell my story to them, upon meeting them. So, for me to repeat myself over and over again when they call would be quite ridiculous.

Ending a toxic relationship in the midst of your attachments

How do you ever really know when a relationship is toxic? What does that really mean?I know of no litmus test for this type of thing. Or at least in my habitual life I didn't, but I do now. I actually experienced it today in fact. Resolution. Some call it closure, its that knowing that someone wants to move forward, that they desire the letting go of baggage from their self and Self, for whatever reason. They actually want to stop being angry, fearful or hurting. When it becomes clear that someone wants to stop the experience of these emergencies emotions, that they actually want/need them to stop, but not before fully honoring and expressing them, that is closure. When all of that is not in vain, but is the start of a real intimacy within that relationship. There is a very real need to explore, provoke, process and even celebrate in and all around one's own emergency feelings. They are important and have their specific place in a person's life. But when this end, this completion of sorts, seems to be either way too distant than one can venture, or worse, completely invisible and seeming to not even exist, be aware. For this is the sign of someone who is in far too much pain possibly expell it all in one place in a healthy way. Please note, that this is not necessarily the time to run, but to at least be willing to accept that the relationship will become toxic soon and that it will need to end, for your sake. Here is where the attachments come in. Ever heard of beating a dead horse. There is clear value in the plain and simple english in this anectdote. When you get to a place that looks, not oddly mind you, but all too familar, where the words, again not unknowningly, seem as though you can still taste them on your tongue as you are about to same them again, this is a clear sign that you have an attachment to the end not occuring for you. When it seems like the lesson plan is the same and the curriculum is a broken record spitting the same song lyric out over and over again, this is when it is time to swallow a big gulp, hold on for dear life (for we know what is coming next) and jump! Into what you might want to know...well, you actually already do. In fact, at least for me, it is at the heart of why I am only now able or even willing to call a customer of mine, and request a firehose of negativity so foul, so venomous, that I want to vomit. That it has taken me 33 years to finally WANT, or now I am realizing need, this type of feedback. This is my life, right here, right now (bad EMF reference). This whole experience to me, only 6 months ago, much less 3-4+ years ago, would have literally crushed me and fired me like a megaton warhead right into the heart of my sex addiction. I would have attempted to numb myself from this for weeks, months, or possibly even years, depending on the depth of the pain in me. That pain in me, I know realize, has everything to do with my value in this world. This would have sent me so far off the deep end because I knew no direct consistent access to my own self worth, without using someone "out there" to mirror it for me. This creates a deep conflict in me. As I know I am not this horrible, vicious worthless POS (as this feedback from my customer suggests), but I cannot seem to connect to it and nourish myself from it on my own. Then of course with the attachment of needing to be/feel/look okay, I NEED, in a very real and physical way, to maintain this relationship. This now toxic marriage of someone who loves himself and wnats/needs/loves forward movement to someone who is so deeply hurt, that I, nor likely any one person, could ever be enough to seem them completely out of it. That is, assuming that they want out of it, as that is another very real possibility in this world. So, how to end a relationship that is known toxic, whilst having clear attachments to it for any reason (financial, my case, emotional, core, spritual, etc). Well, the good news, is that relationships don't actually end, they just change form. Forms however, do die, often in fact, and it is by design. All forms are dynamic in nature and never meant to be permanent, especially between human beings, some of the most dynamic beings on this planet. It is the form of this relationship, for me, that is what I am attached to. How much money it has been providing me, how I have been able to take care of my family because of it. I certainly feel as though I need it. But it has died. It needed to. It was stagnant and uncared for, partly due to my lack of watering. I also realize now that the other person in my case, wants, maybe even needs it to end, because of its real clear representation of pain for him, possibly, there is nothing I can do to stop its death. I can, though, dive in and exhume as much lesson material as I can, before realizing that I just need to let go of this version of it. That if attempt to go back and revive it or relive it in that form again, it is I who am beating the horse. And here, is where it begins to kill me. Poison me with the stagnation this is made of and invariably closes off my access to growth, love and any possible chance at real intimacy in this relationship. This doesn't mean that I simply walk away. In fact, this is the true sign of my healing and release of my attachments. That I can go back there, in a new way, with an emotionally present detached outlook, and only participate in what I know is safe and healthy for me, and simply leave, intentionally of course, when it does not serve me. Ah, the core of a real relationship. What I have been dreaming of my whole adult life. I leave them with their stuff and proudly bear mine, in confidence.