The mens group is coming together

It is happening...a group of men, coming together for them, driven by them, with loving themselves as the intention. Focused on awareness and speaking our truth. Action by each individual for himself in the presence of his peers and equals.

And technology is playing a very interesting role...

I am very excited about this, I am thinking to invite Bruce.

More soon...

Sacrifices we make

This morning, 7 days before my little girls 10th birthday, I am crying on the bus heading to work. I really feel her right now. I have been having many thoughts and some dreams of her. Knowing she misses me as I miss her. Wishing her dad could only see her now. I ask myself a lot what are you doing? Which are you doing this? What purpose is this serving? Who are you helping? Are you just being selfish, because you don't want to get uncomfortable enough to work with her mom?

Well, the truth is; I don't know. I know what I have been guided to do. I know it kills me at times to not be with her and I know that I make an aweful mess of things with her mom; and I would not stop.

So then what is there but this? As hard as it is sometimes, and especially around her birthday, for obvious reasons, I know there is a mending of hearts that is occurring. It is not for nothing...

Baby girl, have a happy 10th birthday and know that I love you beyond myself and my needs. This is hard work, but so worth it. We will both be basking in it before we know it.

I love you sweetheart...

Dad

Loves reminder

I am on the cusp of men's group 2.0 and feeling very enlivened and inspired. I have been thinking a lot about my role as a man. Who I think I am, but mostly who I believe I was made to be; the disciplined man that has so few models...actually, I am kind.d of thinking Jesus is the only concise model. Now, that was hard for me to write. And I don't mean Jesus in the Catholic dissemination. I have not "practiced" any other religions, but of all eastern, western and Christian that I have read about, I don't believe I am talking about any of the Jesuses they spoke of either. This is a new variety. One, I think, in behavior and perspective, is touched on in metaphysical teachings like Christian science, but I am not sure is fully encapsulated there either.

Now that I have established what it/he is not, what is he then?

More to come...

Thursday April 26th 7:55PM

I don't even know what to think or believe right now.

Friday April 20th 7:04PM

I have a clear message right now; this is the life you believe you deserve. I believe that I deserve a marriage where we barely touch. Where we barely like each other most of the time. Where the prospect of more children seems like its against all odds, everything. A life with money where there is not enough. Not enough to pay for even the basic needs; having to rob one to pay another, while accruing back debt with others. Where there is very little musical exploration and none by be and other adults. No instruments for me. No time with musicians for me. No money to own instruments or time to play them. Its like an awful nightmare. I have one hobby; photography, but I have been abusing myself with it by staying up late at night developing pictures. I have been eating like crap too...that totally does not help.

Part of me is really clear that my only problem is my perspective on everything in my life. But there very clearly appears to be a money flow issue here! I cannot deny that! But that it is a problem instead of "hey, I don't earn enough money to live in this house, eat this way, go to that place and own this car..." and change something.

I want an RV! I want to quit my job and travel the US! Camping all the way... I want to see our beautiful country and photograph it for all to see. I will never do that with the attitude of "...there is something wrong here!" or "...I don't have enough..."

Sunday April 15th 7:58PM

I have several things swirling, in no particular order; 1. is I do not have enough money!!!, 2. How am I going to pay that?!!? 3. Man, what kind of husband am I being? ...jeez, I can't even keep it going, I just have to stop myself. I cant even type all of this. I am sad my wife hurts and am scared that we don't have enough money. How are those relevant you ask, or maybe you didn't ask.

Well, I want to be able to come up with a plan about our money together, but I think she needs some space from me right now. Actually, this whole week, she has needed some. Shit, even as I type this, I am hiding from her. I just snuck a sugar soda so she would not see me. Am I trying to protect her or myself? I am even opening it quietly so she does not hear.

I do not want to face the money!! There is a specific payment that we really should make, but it would set us back a bit. But we have already received the services and they cannot be returned. Shit, what should I do. First thing I should do is enter all receipts, so at least I am working with real funds. Then download transactions so all posted are present. Then see what is left and make some decisions.

I have feelings about all of this, including, and this is the funniest one, that this post is not better, more complete, more accurate, etc! Man, my brain is funny!!

8:51PM - just a short hour later, I want to look at porn! Or at least stay up really late "working on pictures". I want to be distracted from "...I don't have enough money!" I don't want to call all of these people and tell them that I do not have the money to pay them.

Sunday April 15th 12:48PM

My brain really wants to fight things. It gets lost in all of the details of the circumstances. The truth is, I forced a hug on my wife. She was clearly not comfortable doing it, hell, I am not sure that I was completely comfortable doing it. I was off, was sneaking around eating cake and new that. Then, when she got home, was trying to keep a composure and then quick hugged her. Let me look at me before I look elsewhere for information and answers.

So my brain wants to fight all of that and argue it was something wrong with her. I know also felt bad because I was not available for her earlier. That is common when I am at work. But how often do I just tell her honestly, I do not have time right now, it will have to be later. Or how often do I tell myself that, hey this is important, what I am doing now will have to wait or be handled by someone else.

I want both; I want to handle this now so I can feel accomplished and I want to be with her now so I can feel safe and a good husband, but the reality is I cannot have both.

Tuesday April 10th, 10:24PM

Tonight is the night before my son was born, 4 years ago. He was born at 2:18AM via emergency cesarean. Tomorrow morning, he will be 4 years old and so will we, his parents. I have done nothing to think through, or plan any specific experience or anything for tonight.

The experience of his birth was very traumatic on us both. It is a big deal. I almost missed it. I tried to miss it. I planned stuff over it. He would never know. It is a normal day, like any other. But its not. Its his birthday. And most importantly, it marks a reminder of that stressful period of is birth and all we endured; all of us. I have done nothing to think of him, or me, my wife and our marriage.

My wife is visibly saddened by my callousness. She knows that is not the truth about me. Thank God! But it is how I am acting. I even planned to make a meeting tomorrow on my off day and his birthday.