Message to her

I don't know what to do now. I am not fully comfortable with many of my options. The house is empty, which is surely not a good sign. There must be something wrong, that I, me, would be left alone. There is no one here to watch me, to make sure I stay safe, to let me know when I am going outside the lines. What lines? I ask. Sometimes, no often, I feel as though there are no lines. Well, until I run into them. There are always lines. But there is no one here. There is lot of fun to be had today. Right now. Here. I am scared with this much fun. I just want to enjoy myself and not hurt anyone. Do you know how I could do that? Do you know the way? So many games I know how to play, I know how to control, I know how to strangle. It stops being fun. It starts to hurt. It hurts others. I don't want to do that again. I know it too well. I want to be handy, but not so as to fix myself. I want to play music, but not so as to the point I go deaf. I want to experience the joy that is me, but not to the point of abuse. I know I love myself. I know I care. I know that this is started in love, even rooted in love. I want it to stay there. There is no one here. Only me. I am the only guide I must trust. But I know. I know how it feels. I know for whom it serves. I know the point. I have what it takes. I am complete. There does not need to be someone here. It is good that I am alone. This is my fight. Anyone else would be confusing. Cloudy. My judgement is clear right now. There is no one here. "She was supposed to show me" says the little voice in my head. That may be then, but not now. Now it stands on me. And whomever I ask for help. It is me and my requests. Calming. Breathe. Relax. I am here now. There is no one here. I write this to stay true to the essence that is me. The pure me. The love me. The me that screams out in injustice at the other side of an exposed scheme. I am here. I write to stay connected. What am I? If I am not the music I play, not the tasks I complete, not the things I do? Who am I? What do I have a say in? Where does my responsibility lie? What am I committed too? Where am I? Where I always am. Here, now, alone. It is only me. Always me. Forever me. That is where I lie, what I am committed to, and where my responsibility is. What am I prepared to do for me? Loving. Caring. Honoring. safety. comfort. diligence. I refuse to just get busy. I deserve more than that. I am here now. For myself. You know that I can get caught up. You know that I want to do do do. Always doing. Something. Anything. I guess I don't feel okay. Often. Thats why. I am hurting myself. Hurting my family. Of course I feel bad. But I am not bad. I just need to stay present to that. I am here. Now.

How would I feel?

I have imagined the death of my son before today, and he is only just 10 months old. But I have imagined different ways he might be taken from this world because of something I did or didn't do. But I have never experienced a deep pain such as this. A dear friend has lost her son. It came at the hand of someone that she called for assistance. Her son was sick. I identify with what has happened in such a real way even though it is not the same. The many thoughts I have had about my son were things like being careless on the stairs and dropping him to his death. Or trying to do to much before waking up enough at his night time feedings and having something happen. Some of these are a bit far fetched, but given my treatment of him over the first 8 months, not totally unlikely. See, I have been very careless with him. From trying to do to much with him in my arms and dropping him to "forgetting" to properly and completely fasten him into his car seat. I have never really allowed myself to fully feel that until today. I began to cry as I put my young sweet son to sleep this morning. It hurts...really bad...

dominating others

I just discovered something about myself tonight that is very painful. I was in the tub bathing my son and went to rinse him off under the faucet. I have been doing this for months. I never thought that it might be uncomfortable possibly even really scary. I put him completely under the flow of water from the faucet and held him there for a long period of time. Its entirely possible that he felt like he was drowning. I know that children, especially infants, are very present beings and don't understand past and future yet. So, to make matters even more intense, it is very likely that I caused a very very traumtic experience for my son, just considering tonight alone. Now multiply that by the last few months of his baths, well I have to be with the fact that I have deeply imprinted this on his soul. Needless to say, this is painful. But I am already feeling it pass just by typing this and should be out the other side shortly. This reminds me of my childhood when at times I would dominate my family cat and had literally tortured several lizards and ran over a frog with my bike. So I have it in me. This is a part of me that should not be allowed to run things or make decisions. I need to be very diligent about this part. That is all for now.

This is it man, there is nothing else more important!

I get it God! I get it! If I am not ready and willing to fully commit to me and my connection to you, I am done. That is the entrance to the downhill slope that is my addicition. If I am face to face with, on the one hand, my busy life that does not lend itself comfortably to my taking space for myself to "get right" with God, or just stopping to get right with God, and I choose my busy life. I am done. That is the timer countdown until the next time I act out. None of it even matters, as I will be blowing it up, setting the charges in very specific and key support beam locations, if I am not choosing God. Nothing will work for long. And then it will be a pile of painful rumble with all of the evidence my humanness/ego has been looking for. Complete with wife, daughter and son all crushed under the weight of my fake bridge. Everything is me. The dishes in the sink are me. My refusal to go do them and be in integrity with my committment to my husband self. Oh and the rat poison I committed to go put in the attic. Thats me too. I think I am going to go love on my past "ignorant" acting self who is sitting in the kitchen. I choose me and God.