Message to her

I don't know what to do now. I am not fully comfortable with many of my options. The house is empty, which is surely not a good sign. There must be something wrong, that I, me, would be left alone. There is no one here to watch me, to make sure I stay safe, to let me know when I am going outside the lines. What lines? I ask. Sometimes, no often, I feel as though there are no lines. Well, until I run into them. There are always lines. But there is no one here. There is lot of fun to be had today. Right now. Here. I am scared with this much fun. I just want to enjoy myself and not hurt anyone. Do you know how I could do that? Do you know the way? So many games I know how to play, I know how to control, I know how to strangle. It stops being fun. It starts to hurt. It hurts others. I don't want to do that again. I know it too well. I want to be handy, but not so as to fix myself. I want to play music, but not so as to the point I go deaf. I want to experience the joy that is me, but not to the point of abuse. I know I love myself. I know I care. I know that this is started in love, even rooted in love. I want it to stay there. There is no one here. Only me. I am the only guide I must trust. But I know. I know how it feels. I know for whom it serves. I know the point. I have what it takes. I am complete. There does not need to be someone here. It is good that I am alone. This is my fight. Anyone else would be confusing. Cloudy. My judgement is clear right now. There is no one here. "She was supposed to show me" says the little voice in my head. That may be then, but not now. Now it stands on me. And whomever I ask for help. It is me and my requests. Calming. Breathe. Relax. I am here now. There is no one here. I write this to stay true to the essence that is me. The pure me. The love me. The me that screams out in injustice at the other side of an exposed scheme. I am here. I write to stay connected. What am I? If I am not the music I play, not the tasks I complete, not the things I do? Who am I? What do I have a say in? Where does my responsibility lie? What am I committed too? Where am I? Where I always am. Here, now, alone. It is only me. Always me. Forever me. That is where I lie, what I am committed to, and where my responsibility is. What am I prepared to do for me? Loving. Caring. Honoring. safety. comfort. diligence. I refuse to just get busy. I deserve more than that. I am here now. For myself. You know that I can get caught up. You know that I want to do do do. Always doing. Something. Anything. I guess I don't feel okay. Often. Thats why. I am hurting myself. Hurting my family. Of course I feel bad. But I am not bad. I just need to stay present to that. I am here. Now.