I have a clear message right now; this is the life you believe you deserve. I believe that I deserve a marriage where we barely touch. Where we barely like each other most of the time. Where the prospect of more children seems like its against all odds, everything. A life with money where there is not enough. Not enough to pay for even the basic needs; having to rob one to pay another, while accruing back debt with others. Where there is very little musical exploration and none by be and other adults. No instruments for me. No time with musicians for me. No money to own instruments or time to play them. Its like an awful nightmare. I have one hobby; photography, but I have been abusing myself with it by staying up late at night developing pictures. I have been eating like crap too...that totally does not help.
Part of me is really clear that my only problem is my perspective on everything in my life. But there very clearly appears to be a money flow issue here! I cannot deny that! But that it is a problem instead of "hey, I don't earn enough money to live in this house, eat this way, go to that place and own this car..." and change something.
I want an RV! I want to quit my job and travel the US! Camping all the way... I want to see our beautiful country and photograph it for all to see. I will never do that with the attitude of "...there is something wrong here!" or "...I don't have enough..."
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